Vulnerable
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy — the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Dr. Brene Brown
I’ve been absent again for a couple weeks. Part is due to the massive amount of pain I’m in these days. I tend to be asleep more than awake these days, but if I’m being honest, my last post has me… well… frozen.
Victims are difficult to handle because of how incredibly vulnerable they’ve been made from whatever happened to them. Robbery victims, abuse victims, rape victims… our vulnerability is not only exposed but taken advantage of. Someone else takes the deep, innocent, protected part of you and they tear at it.
Retelling, reliving, admitting to things I’ve never spoken about that have been done to me by another person is compounding that vulnerability. I’m not only sharing what has happened to me, I’m sharing things I’m embarrassed about, ashamed of, blame myself for, and I’m doing it out in public. I had thought if I got that first one out, the next would be just a tiny bit easier, and then the next and the next… It’s not happening that way. This isn’t healing, it’s slicing my vulnerability open where scar tissue had at least covered the wounds.
I think about what to write and an absolute terror grips me. I haven’t even gotten to any of the really difficult stuff, and I question if I can truly handle this. Can I continue? Should I really share all the past moments that haunt me even now, years later, once the lights go out? Or do I stick with pushing it down and trying to forget as I’ve been doing my whole life?
I’m working on the path I can handle and best survive. I’ve told only three people in my life about this blog. I knew if I was going to do this, I couldn’t worry about hurting the feelings of people I care about in the process. The consequence of that is I’m bearing all of this and ripping my vulnerability to shreds with little support. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Maybe the best answer is to save my vulnerability and not engage.
